chapter 19
CHAPTER 19
The Rights of Wives and Husbands in
Islam
Those are limits set by God: those who obey God and His Apostle
will be
admitted to Gardens with rivers flowing beneath, to abide therein
(forever) and that will be the Supreme achievement. [Holy Quran: Nisaa
4:13]
An
Outlook on Family Rights
The
rights of wives and husbands are completely described in the Glorious Quran.
When studying them one can recognize these mutual rights as being one of the
miracles of the pure culture of Islam. No other school of thought has so
thoroughly attended to the rights of wives and their husbands until now, and
none can do so from now until the end of time. These rights include obligatory
and recommended rights. Disrespecting the obligatory rights without the other
person's consent is the cause of divine punishment, and not honoring the
recommended rights will lessen the sweetness of life. A major portion of these
mutual rights are described in Vasa'il al-Shiaa, volumes 20-22, printed by Al-i-Bayt
Press. As much as is required, I shall quote traditions from this volume, and
instruct my dear readers to carefully read over those volumes.
Firstly,
to bless the discussion I shall mention a few Quranic verses related to the
matter and then I shall quote the traditions.
I
will mislead them, and I will create in them false desires; I will order them to
slit the ears of cattle, and to deface the (fair) nature created by God.
Whoever, forsaking God, takes Satan for a friend, has of a surety suffered a
loss that is manifest. [Holy Quran Nisaa 4:119]
And
women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is
equitable: [Holy Quran: Baqara: 2:228]
And
yet they had already covenanted with God not to turn their backs, and a covenant
with God must (surely) be answered for. [Holy Quran: Ahzab 33:15]
Isaq,
the son of Ammac, said that he had asked Imam Sadiq what right does a woman have
whose fulfillment by her husband implies that he is a good doer. The Imam
replied that he should feed her properly and provide her with
( 172 )
clothing. And when she does something out of ignorance, he should forgive her.
Then the Imam said my father had a bothersome wife but he would always forgive
her. The sixth Imam quoted the Prophet (Pbuh) as saying: Gabriel recommended on
behalf of wives so much so that I thought divorcing her is not permissible
unless she commits adultery. He also said good mercy be upon the man who
performs all the affairs for himself and his wife well, since God the Almighty
has granted to men the control of women, and established the husband as her
guardian. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: One who ignores his wife's rights is deprived
of God’s Mercy. He also said: The best of you is one who is the best for his
family and I am a model for you in this regard. He also said: A man's wife is
his slave and the person most loved by God the Almighty is the one who treats
his slaves kindly.
The rights of the wife:
1- Providing the means for living.
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said one must provide the foodstuffs and clothing of his wife in
the best manner. Imam Sajjad said: Going to the market and buying one Durham of
meat which my wife desires is better than freeing a slave. The sixth Imam said:
The most fortunate man is the one who manages the affairs of his wife and
children.
2- Sexual intercourse.
The
eight Imam was asked about a man who had a young wife whom he had not slept with
for nearly a year due to a disaster that had come upon him. He had no intentions
to bother his wife but the disaster caused him to do so. Was he sinning? The
Imam answered: Of course. After four months passed, he was sinning. Abuzar asked
the Prophet: Is a man's love-making to his wife divinely rewarded even though it
brings pleasure? The Prophet (Pbuh) answered: Yes, of course. Is it not
forbidden to satisfy your sexual desires unlawfully? Abuzar answered yes. Then
the Prophet (Pbuh) said: Certainly its lawful form is divinely rewarded. It is
considered desirable in divine teachings for a man to sleep with his wife for
love-making once every four nights.
3-Improving the Living Conditions
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: When a man goes to shop for his wife, he is similar to one
who takes charity to the house of the needy. When he gets home, he should first
give what he has bought to his daughters. This is so because one who makes his
daughter happy is similar to one who frees a slave from Ismael's generation. And
one who makes his son happy by giving him something is similar to one who cries
for fear of God given that God shall take such a person into Heaven filled with
blessings.
Imam
Musa said: Men's wives are their slaves. When God gives blessings to anyone he
should use it to improve the living conditions of his slave or else that
blessing might be taken away from him. The Prophet (Pbuh) has admonished
( 173 )
against a man being full while his wife is hungry. The sixth Imam said: A man
should try to do the following things even if it is against his own desires.
(1)
Treating the family well
(2)
Trying to improve his living conditions without being wasteful
(3)
Being concerned about protecting the family's honor.
The
fourth Imam said: God is more pleased with the one who brings about more
improvement in his family's living conditions. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Whatever
a Muslim man buys for his wife has a reward similar to that of charity.
(4) Respecting the wife
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: Anyone who gets married should respect his wife. He also
said: Anyone who hits his wife more than three times (at once), will be
disgraced by God in the Hereafter. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: Can you expect to
hug your wife at night, having beaten her in the day time? He also said: In fact
a woman is a doll; Anyone who marries one should not commit sin with it. He also
said: I wonder about a man who beats his wife, while he himself deserves to be
beaten more. Do not beat your wives with a stick since there is retaliation for
this act. The Commander of the Faithful said: The women you are responsible for
are a trust for you. Don't be strict with them and leave them up in the air.
Haola asked the Prophet: What rights does a women have over a man? The Prophet (Pbuh)
replied: Gabriel made so many recommendations on behalf of women that I thought
a man cannot say the slightest thing to her. Gabriel said: O' Muhammad, be
afraid of God in regards to women. They bear the sufferings and hardships of
life. Women have rights over you since they have placed their bodies in your
control for pleasure, they carry your children within their bodies until the
time for delivery and they experience dangerous pains. Be kind to them. Keep
them satisfied so they'll get along well with you. Don't say your wives are ugly
or you don't like them. Don't be greedy about what you have given as the nuptial
gift or take any of it back by force.
(5) Grooming oneself and keeping clean
Just
as men like to see their wives looking pretty, clean, wearing nice clothes and
using good scent, women have the same desires for their husbands: cleanliness,
grooming, taking baths, brushing teeth, washing one's hair, combing one's hair,
cutting one's nails, using scent, wearing proper clothing and the rest of the
allowed grooming. These acts will please the woman and increase her chastity.
She will not go after other men and think about getting another husband. Hassan
ibn Jahm said: The 8th Imam dyed his hair and I asked him why. He said that a
man's grooming himself increases the chastity of his wife. Women abandon
chastity because they never saw their husbands grooming themselves. Then the 8th
Imam asked if I would like to see my wife in a disheveled state. Hazrat Reza
quoted on the authority of his grandfather that the women of the Israelites
turned away from chastity for no reason at all, except that their husbands
didn't groom themselves. Then the Hazrat said: Women
( 174 )
expect the same things of men that men expect of them. Some men are really
unfair and don't groom themselves. They don't go to the barbers often and they
smoke cigarettes. Therefore their teeth and mouth are dirty and bad-smelling.
They don't wear the appropriate clothing and don't care about their looks. Yet
they expect their wives to submit themselves to them. These men are oppressors
who deserve to be blamed and punished.
(6) Speaking Decently and Courteously
Swearing,
or using a vulgar language will force the person we are facing to react no
matter who they are. When you complain too much your wife will be upset, and
this will ruin your mutual life. The Commander of the Faithful has ordered men:
Be patient with your wife under all circumstances and treat her with kindness.
(7) Be content with your share of control over
life
Some
men give up all their God-given free will and totally submit themselves to the
will of their wives. Some women take full control of their husband's will and
try to run their lives in any way they wish. This sort of life usually turns
into a Satanic life with a lot of sin, waste and unlawful desires. The house and
the family deviate from the main and divine principles when life is void of
spirituality. Today, a large percentage of families suffer from this devastating
catastrophe. Instead of life being dependent on the man's decision, it depends
on the woman's. Instead of the man being the husband of the wife, the wife is
her husband's master. God forbid that the man disobeys the woman's wants even if
it is unlawful and ungodly. A fight will be started by the woman which will not
end until the man surrenders or divorces her. Regarding such men who have lost
control over their wives, Imam Ali said: Any man who gives his control over to
his wife is damned. He also said: The man who totally submits to his wife shall
be thrown into the Fire of Hell by God with his face down. They asked him why
and he replied: Because the wife requests see-through clothing and he accepts
it.
Regarding
this issue, Imam Ali conducted a public sermon when a man complained against his
wife: O' people! Never obey your wife. Do not give her any property. Do not
grant the control of your life to her. If such people are left free to do as
they wish, they will ruin everybody's life and disobey their husband's orders.
We have discovered that these people are not pious when in need; quickly submit
to lust; think about collecting gold and silver until very old and are selfish
and haughty when they are weak. If some of what they want is not provided to
them, they ignore all your kindness and favors and will always remember your bad
actions. They will accuse without any hesitation and will never stop their
rebellion and are constantly trotting on Satan's path. [Vasa'il, v.20, p.180,
Al-i-Bayt Press]
The Rights of the Husband
A
major factor in strengthening the ties of mutual life is dependent upon the
woman respecting her husband's rights. The wife should only consider God and
( 175 )
the Hereafter and not let anyone else interfere in regards to her husband's
rights. Others may be mistaken or have bad intentions and it may even be that
the cause of such interference in the life of the newly-wed couple is pure
jealously. Women should remember that they are easily influenced by others. They
should consider this element of their nature, and pay close attention to the
possibility of others being wrong. They should remember God and their situation
in the Hereafter and respect the man's humane, divine and religious rights.
The
man likes the woman to be his woman. She should maintain her sex role as a
woman, as this is her nature by creation. She should limit her beauty, appeal,
seduction, and coquettishness to her husband. She should neither follow others
nor should she accept the interference of distant or close relatives, neighbors
or guests. Anyway, she should be the wife of her husband, and live based on his
lawful desires. She should run the affairs of the home according to her
husband's will, and be a good mother to her children. Some women forget that
they are feminine. They become rough, harsh, bitter and man-like. This shall
make man's life really bitter, and make him sorry about getting married. They
may even get fed up with life. Some of the rights of the husband include: The
woman should submit herself to her husband's sexual desires whenever he needs
her. The woman should obey her husband in all moral and religious affairs. The
woman should seek her husband's permission to leave the house, except for the
required pilgrimage to Mecca.
1- Obedience:
Imam
Baqir said: A woman came to the Prophet (Pbuh) and asked him what rights does
the husband have over the wife? He said: She must obey the husband, and not be
rebellious. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: A woman who performs her five required
daily prayers, fasts for the month of Ramadan, performs the pilgrimage to Mecca
obeys her husband, recognizes the rights of Imam Ali, being that he must be
obeyed, shall enter Heaven from anyone of the eight gates which she desires to.
Pay close attention to this very important tradition from the noble Prophet of
Islam: Any good woman who worships God, performs the obligatory religious acts,
and obeys her husband will enter Heaven. Any woman who says her prayers, does
not leave the house unnecessarily, and obeys her husband shall be forgiven all
her past and future sins by God. The Prophet (Pbuh) told a woman named Haola: By
the God who entrusted me with Prophethood, a husband has rights over his wife.
She should submit to his sexual desires. She should not disobey his orders, and
not oppose or quarrel with him. In a very important and strong statement the
Prophet (Pbuh) said: A woman has not fulfilled God's rights as long as she has
not fulfilled her husband's rights. You should not conclude from the above
traditions that the key to a woman's prosperity is solely obeying her husband.
But she should also have faith, worship God, do her religious duties, and avoid
doing what is forbidden. This means that she may prosper in this world and the
Hereafter only if she gathers all these realties within herself.
2- Sexual submission:
( 176 )
It
is obligatory for the wife to sexually submit herself to her husband at times
when there is no religious excuse. It is even recommended that she declares her
readiness to him. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: A woman should use the best perfume,
wear her prettiest clothes, and groom herself in the best possible form. She
should appear in front of her husband every morning and night displaying her
beauties. The husband has even more rights than this. If a woman carries out the
instructions of the Prophet (Pbuh) exactly, she can keep her husband for
herself, and keep him away from looking at or chasing other women, even in a
lawful manner. This is exactly the situation which causes conflicts. The wife
wants to wear her best clothes, perfume, and make-up for going out to wedding
parties or visit her friends and relatives, but appears in front of her husband
as she is. Even after she returns from the party, she does not give her husband
the slightest chance to see her. This hurts the husband's feelings and weakens
their relationship and may prepare the grounds for other problems. Many young
and middle-aged men have come to me to complain about their wives' indifference
and lack of interest in sexual submission and not making themselves up for them.
They have expressed their interest in temporary marriage or divorce and
re-marriage and have asked me to solve their problem. My only recommendation to
women at this stage is to wholeheartedly follow the instructions of the
Immaculate Imams and the Noble Prophet. This way their husband will not become
lustful outside the house and they will not have any marital problems. Or else
your life will be ruined and you will be responsible for it in the Hereafter. In
regards to man's attraction to his wife and her submission to him the Prophet (Pbuh)
said: Do not elongate your prayers to avoid submitting to your husband.
3- Going out of the House:
Unfortunately,
many women who have quit being a woman, and consider themselves to be men do not
obey their husbands in regards to seeking permission to go out of the house. If
it was deemed proper for women to freely go out of the house, then God would not
have made it conditional upon the husband's permission. Some women left the
house without their husband's permission. They caused sedition and corruption.
They let out their hair and showed their face. They disturbed the pure
atmosphere of the society. They acted sexy and coquettish in the streets. They
even sometimes forced the men not to object in an attempt to protect their
honor, so that these women could act as they pleased. They imitated the Western
culture, that of the Jews and the Christians. They made such catastrophes for
Islam and the Muslims that can never be compensated for. The Prophet (Pbuh) has
ordered a woman not to leave the house without her husband's consent. And if she
does so without his permission, all the heavenly angels and each jinn or man who
passes by her will damn her until she returns home. Imam Sadiq said: One of the
men from the Helpers (Ansar) went on a trip and ordered his wife not to leave
the house until he returned home. Her father got ill while her husband was away.
She sent a messenger to the Prophet (Pbuh) asking him if she could visit her
father. The Prophet (Pbuh) replied that she should obey her husband and stay at
home. Her
( 177 )
father got worse and she sent another message but received the same reply. Her
father passed away and she sent another messenger to go and pray for her father,
but she received the same reply. They buried her father but the woman stayed at
home. The Prophet (Pbuh) sent a messenger to her and he said that God forgave
you and your father for obeying your husband. The Commander of the Faithful has
instructed men as follows: Protect your women from the eyes of strange men,
since this will better guard their chastity. The bad influences of bringing
untrustworthy men to your house is the same as letting them go out to be seen in
public. Make an effort so that they know no one but you.
4- Don't bother your husband, and don't be
vulgar and ill-tempered:
The
Prophet (Pbuh) has made an amazing speech regarding this issue. He delivered
this lecture for women. O' women, pay charity in God's way, even though it be
your ornaments, even a date, since many of you swear and are ungrateful to your
husband and will be the fuel for the Fire of Hell. A woman said are we not
mothers. Don't we carry the babies in our wombs for many months. Don't we
breastfeed them. Aren't these girls the heads of some households, and these
sisters sympathetic to their brothers? The Prophet (Pbuh) said yes. You get
pregnant. You deliver children. You breastfeed them. You are kind. If women did
not bother their husbands and got along with them, then no praying woman would
burn in the Fire of Hell.
The
sixth Imam said: These people's prayers are not accepted: A maid's prayers who
runs away are not accepted until she returns to her owners huose; a woman whose
husband is dissatisfied with her from night until the morning; and a leader who
leads the people, but the people do not want him. Ali, the son of Jafar asked
his brother Imam Musa Kazim: What is the status of a woman's prayers and
conditions who angers her husband with her bad temper and vulgarity? He answered
she is sinful until her husband is pleased with her. The Prophet (Pbuh) told
Haola: I swear by God who appointed me to Prophethood through my honesty and
trustworthiness that when a men gets angry with his wife, God too will be angry
with her. The Prophet (Pbuh) has asked women not to expect of their husbands
more than they can provide for them and not to degrade their status before
anyone whether it be a relative or a stranger. The sixth Imam said: A woman who
bothers her husband, and makes him sorrowful is damned. A woman who obeys her
husband under any circumstances and respects him and does not bother him is
prosperous.
5- Working at home:
The
Prophet (Pbuh) told Haola: God shall prepare various delicious meals in Heaven
for women who prepare delicious meals for their husbands. He will tell them to
eat and drink as a reward for their efforts in this world. The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: God shall look favorably at any woman who changes the decorations in the
house to make the house look better. Whoever is favorably looked at by God will
be saved from punishment. Imam Baqir said: Zahra (Pbuh) took care of the work
inside the house such as preparing the dough and
( 178 )
cooking the bread, and the Commander of the Faithful took care of the work
outside the house such as shopping and collecting wood.
6- Respect your husband and treat him well:
The
seventh Imam said: A woman's Jihad is to take good care of her husband. A woman
Jihad is being grateful to her husband; being kind with him; bearing with him
when he is poor; seeing him off when he leaves, and welcoming him when he comes
home; totally submitting to her husband at allowed times; putting on good
clothes and make up for him; properly running the affairs of the house; avoiding
wastefulness and not asking him for more than he can buy. Such acts which are
defined by the Prophet (Pbuh) and the Imams as a wife's duty towards her husband
are her Jihad (Holy War) Imam Baqir said: Nothing can intercede on behalf of a
woman in God's presence than her husband's consent. The sixth Imam said: Some
people went to see the Prophet (Pbuh) and said we saw some folks who prostrated
in front of their leaders. Will you let us do so in front of you? The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: No, but if I were to issue such an order, I would order women to prostrate
in front of their husbands. The Prophet (Pbuh) told Haola: God will make any
woman who obeys her husband, and is patient with him under all circumstances a
companion of the wife of the Prophet Jacob (Pbuh) in the Hereafter. God will
grant any woman a reward for bearing the bitter words of her husband. For each
word, He will count one day of fasting of a fighter in the way of God as her
reward. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: A husband's right over his wife is that she
should turn up the light of his house, cook the food; welcome him at the door
when he comes home; prepare water and a towel for him to wash his hands and
face; and submit herself to him sexually whenever she does not have a religious
excuse. The Commander of the Faithful stood by the dead body of his wife Fatimah
upon her death and said:
O'
God. I am pleased with your Prophet's daughter. O' God, please be her companion,
and alleviate her fears.
7- Do not make yourselves up except for your
husband :
The
Prophet (Pbuh) told Haola: Do not let anyone other than your husband see your
ornaments and jewelry. Do not put on any perfume in the absence of your husband.
Do not show off your attractive scarf and wrists. If you do so, you will ruin
our religion and make God angry. The Prophet (Pbuh) admonished women against
wearing attractive clothes outside the house. He also forbade wearing jewelry
that might make noticeable noise. A very important tradition exists from the
Prophet, and must be seriously considered by the Muslims. Any man, whose wife
puts on make-up and leaves the house to go out and be seen in public with his
consent, is a cuckold, and it is not a sin to call him so. For each step that
she takes, a house full of fire will be prepared for him. Limit them in this
respect, since these limitations are a cause of happiness and pleasure for you
and family.
8- Do not use your husbands property without his
consent:
The sixth Imam said: A wife is not free to let a slave free, give charity or bet
without her husband's consent, however, the payment of the obligatory alms tax,
( 179 )
visiting her relatives and doing good deeds do not need his permission. The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: A woman should not donate any of her husband's property
without his consent. Should she do so, she will be sinful and the reward of her
act will belong to the man. I shall once again say that the material presented
here regarding the rights of husbands and wives mostly comes from volumes
twenty-one through volume twenty-two of the noble book "Vasa'il"
printed by Al-i-Bayt Press, and several traditions have been cited from volume
103 of Bihar al-Anwar. Those who wish to study this subject further should refer
to these valuable books.