chapter 12
CHAPTER 12
Islamic Ethics in the Family Structure
The Prophet (Pbuh) said: I recommend you to have good morality,
since
verily this will take you to heaven, and you should not be foul tempered
since that will undoubtedly take you to Hell. [Vasa'il, v.16, p.29, Al-i-Bayt
Press]
The
Value of Good Morality
It
is necessary for the parents to consider a few things which are repeatedly
stressed in the Holy Quran for the sake of themselves and their children. It is
not difficult to have good morals and avoid evil acts. It is easy to put morals
into action and avoid unethical acts in a short period of time. This will not
only ease our progress on the highway towards God, but it will also strengthen
our marriage; increase our mutual love; and serve as a lesson for others,
especially our children. Mutual adherence to morals will create an atmosphere of
love and affection; peace and security; and health and purity and will make all
aspects of our life delightful. In several verses, the Holy Quran has praised
the noble Prophet for being good-tempered and adhering to this attribute.
It
is part of the Mercy of God that thou dost deal gently with them. Wert thou
severe or harsh-hearted, they would have broken away from about thee: [Holy
Quran: Al-i-Imran 3:159]
And
thou (standest) on an exalted standard of character. [Holy Quran: Qalam 68:4]
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: Islam means being good-tempered. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.3,
pp.137-138]
Imam
Mujtaba (Pbuh) said: The best goodness is a good temper. [Ibid]
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: Good temper is accompanied by the good of this world and
the Hereafter. [Ibid]
Imam
Ali (Pbuh) said: A good temper is at the head of all goodness. [Ibid]
The
sixth Imam (Pbuh) said: There is not a better life than that of the one with a
good temper. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.71, pp.388-389]
( 112 )
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: God will raise the position of the one who is good-tempered
to that of the one who fasts and stays up at night standing in prayer. [Ibid]
He
also said: The first thing that is counted on the Day of Judgment is one's good
temper. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.71, p.385]
He
also said: The one dearest and closest to me amongst you in the Hereafter is the
one with the best temper, and the humblest. [Ibid]
The
Prophet (Pbuh) told the Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh): Shall I inform you of
your closest trait to me? He answered yes. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: The one with
the best temper, the one who is the most persevering, the one who helps his
relatives the most, and the one who is most fair to others regarding himself.
[Bihar al-Anwar, v.77, p.58]
Nobility
and a good temper are so valuable that the noble Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) has
declared it to be the reason for his appointment to the Prophethood. It is
certain that I was appointed to perfect your good temper, and nothing else. [Mizan
al-Hikmat, v.3, p.149]
I
was appointed to perfect your good temper. [Ibid]
Being
good-tempered and having good morals are rays of God’s attributes, the way of
the Prophets and the Immaculate Imams and the cause of goodness and blessings
for the one with these attributes.
A
bad temper and foul behavior are satanic and are the causes of disruption of
life, insecurity, separation, and hatred of people; and will ruin the life here
and in the Hereafter. I will refer to several points which should be adhered to
by any couple in order to strengthen their relationship, and continue their love
and affection. I hope that God the Almighty will adorn us all with a good temper
and morals and help us avoid bad morals.
Love and its Expression
God
has established love in our hearts as husbands or wives and recognizes this to
be one of the signs of His Existence. This fact is a manifestation of the
importance and extent of love and especially the love and affection of man
towards a woman.
And
among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves,
that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy
between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. [Holy
Quran: Rum 30:21]
This
love and affection blossoms early in marriage and even before the religious
wedding ceremony, and it grows until it reaches its final extent. It is the
responsibility of both partners in marriage to maintain this given blessing and
this excellent spiritual state of love which is the main cause of happiness and
pleasure in life. This can be done by mutual support, being good-tempered,
( 113 )
forgiving, cooperation, reasonable expectations, mutual respect, avoiding
arguments and fights. The couple should avoid what might harm their loving
relationship. They should know that any attempt to maintain a loving
relationship is considered to be worship and any act that might hurt the
foundation of love is undoubtedly a sin and deserves God's punishment, and also
causes grief and hurt in this life. Regarding those who have the power to
attract others’ affection, Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: May God bless those who can
attract people's affection. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.2, p.205]
If
there is no intellectual or religious legitimate reasons, converting love and
affection into hatred, grudges and animosity is considered to be ungrateful for
God's blessings. On the other hand, maintaining a loving relationship and
extending love to others is a cause of happiness in this world and the
Hereafter.
Imam
Sadiq (Pbuh) said: Woe to those who are ungrateful for God's blessings, and
blessed and prosperous be those who love each other for God. [Vasa'il, v.16,
p.171, Al-i-Bayt Press]
The
Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: Regarding love and affection, the best of
you are those who are the ones who strive to be the first to be kind to others.
[Mizan al-Hikmat, v.2, p.210]
Man
is instructed to be affectionate to all the people who deserve his kindness,
love and affection. Thus, our spouses and children who are even much closer to
us require our love and affection. It has been written in a Qudsi Tradition: The
creatures are my spouse. The dearest one to me is the one who is kindest to my
creatures, and one who exerts the most effort to satisfy their needs. [Usul al-Kafi,
v.2, p.199]
Based
on what was said, the love of a man for a woman and the love of a woman for a
man is one of the signs of God which is placed in the heart. It is one of the
especial signs of God's existence, and one of His Especial Blessings. This love
is the best reason for the establishment of a healthy mutual life, and its
continuation. It is the cause of happiness and pleasure in life. That is why it
is necessary to maintain and try to strengthen it and avoid actions which might
harm it. Imam Sadiq (Pbuh) said: Love of women is one of the Prophets’
characteristics. [Vasa'il, v.20, pp.22-23, Al-i-Bayt Press]
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: Prayer is the apple of my eyes, women are my pleasure in
life, and my scented flowers are Hassan and Husayn. [Ibid]
Imam
Sadiq (Pbuh) said that there is nothing more enjoyable than women in this world
and the Hereafter. God has said:
And
among His signs is this, that he created for you mates from among yourselves,
that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy
between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect. [Holy
Quran, Rum 30:21] Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet:
women and sons; [Holy Quran: Al-i-Imran 3:14]
( 114 )
The
Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) said: The inhabitants of Heaven enjoy nothing more than
marriage: even more than foods and drinks. [Vasa'il, v.20, pp.23-24]
The
Prophet of Islam (Pbuh) said: When a man expressses his love to his wife, it
will never be removed from her heart. [Ibid]
Imam
Sadiq (Pbuh) said: The stronger will a woman’s faith become, the more she is
loved by her husband. [Ibid]
It
must be noticed that love of one's wife should not become too excessive, since
this will also prevent a man from walking on the right path and doing good
deeds. One should especially be careful that his wife does not try to rule over
him through her love, and force her excess wants upon him. A man's love and
affection for his wife or anything else should be subject to his belief in God
and the Day of Judgment, and it should not prevent him from his progress towards
perfection and doing good deeds. If the love for women should become a bedrock
for sin and wastefulness, or jealousy and greed, or abstaining from doing
obligatory religious acts, then this kind of love- accompanied by a satanic
state is far away from God's pleasure and satisfaction.
Lowering Expectations
Each
man and woman has his/her own physical and spiritual strength which can only be
realized after some time of natural, and moral encounters. A husband and wife
get to know each other's physical and spiritual status and get to understand one
another after a while. They must realize that God has considered two very
important facts when He ordained duties upon man. Firstly, He has not required
us to do what is beyond our capabilities. Secondly, He has made our moral and
religious responsibilities based on our ability not our power. Most researchers
believe that our responsibility is much less than our capability. This is only
due to God's kindness and mercy upon His servants. He has referred to this fact
in verses 233 and 286 of Chapter Baqara, verse 152 of Chapter An'am and verse 42
of Chapter A'raf and verse 62 of Chapter Mo'minun in the Holy Quran.
No
soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear.
On
no soul doth God place a burden greater than it can bear.
For
this reason, both men and women must consider this noble and kind characteristic
of God in their expectations of one another. Firstly, they should not ask for
anything beyond the other person's power, whether material or spiritual. This is
because forcing such an unreasonable want upon the other party is considered to
be oppressive, and it darkens the spirit and results in divine retribution.
Secondly, they should not consider the other side’s power in their
expectations, rather they should reduce their wants and expectations to within
their own limits. They should serve each other by performing their own duties,
and invite each other to do so pleasantly. They should and can reduce their
expectations of each other, since this is one of the characteristics of the
Prophets and Imams.
( 115 )
Having
excessive expectations is sometimes the same as asking the other one do what is
beyond his/her power. Undoubtedly, when this want is not fulfilled, there will
be bad feeling and even hatred, and this will end up in the destruction of the
foundation of mutual love. Excessive expectations are a result of having a bad
character, pride and haughtiness. It is a sort of mental and psychological
illness. Reduced expectations however result from politeness, nobility,
knowledge and humbleness. If you want your life to be sweeter than honey, and
never run into any quarrels, then reduce your expectations in all aspects of
life. Your spouse will then not become hurt or belittled by you. These bad
feelings will also not carry over to others. God will then be pleased with you.
Anyway,
both husband and wife should be good-tempered and a source of love and
happiness. They should take it easy on each other. This is one of the elements
of what is known as "the good way". Those who follow this way are
cleansed of moral and spiritual vice, are favored by God and deserve receiving
beautiful rewards. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: The good way and those who follow it
will first enter Heaven and sit by me beside the Kawsar pond. [Vasa'il, v.16,
p.303, Al-i-Bayt Press]
Imam
Sadiq (Pbuh) said: There is a gate to Heaven called the Good, and no one but
those who follow the good way shall enter through that gate, and those who
follow the good way in this world, shall also be followers of that way in the
Hereafter. [Vasa'il, v.16, pp.304-305]
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: Any good deed is charity. [Ibid]
The
Holy Quran has declared a ten-fold reward for any good deed.
He
that doeth good shall have ten times as much to his credit: [Holy Quran: An'am
8:160]
Lowering
expectations is a form of doing good, is one of the good spiritual deeds, and is
one of the forms of Islamic charity. It has a ten-fold reward. Why shouldn't a
couple take part in this profitable business? Why shouldn't they benefit from
this divine fact throughout their lifetime? Remember that forbidding oneself the
Mercy and Favor of God is a great sin and a tremendous oppression which cannot
be compensated for.
Forgiving
A
couple may at times mistreat one another. The wife may make a mistake in her
household duties, or in raising the children, or pleasing her husband. The
husband too may make mistakes in running the affairs of the family, or in making
a judgment about his wife. Such mistakes are forgivable from either side. It is
exactly in such situations when forgiving makes sense: There is no need to
forgive if all systems go. It is morally incumbent upon both husband and wife to
forgive each other. In such cases haughtiness, selfishness and disrespecting the
other party, and not following God and the Prophets' orders is improper, and
even in some cases it is forbidden and deserves divine punishment. As the Quran
states forgiving is loved by God:
( 116 )
And
pardon (all) men; for God loves those who do good; [Holy Quran: Al-i-Imran
3:134]
It
is so important that the Quran has declared the reward of those who forgive to
be due from God.
But
if a person forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from God: [Holy
Quran: Shura 62:40]
Imam
Sadiq (Pbuh) said: There are three noble acts in this world and the Hereafter:
Forgiving one who has oppressed you. Going to visit one who has cut off his
relations with you, and acting with patience with one who has treated you with
ignorance. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.71, p.400]
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: Truly God is Forgiving and loves those who forgive. [Mizan
al-Hikmat, v.6, p.367]He also said: God will forgive one who forgives a Muslim.
[Ibid]
Imam
Sadiq (Pbuh) said: We are members of a household with our manhood being
forgiving those who oppress us. [Ibid]
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: Forgive the people, and God shall repel the Fire of Hell
from you. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.6, pp.368-370]
The
Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: The worst trait for one is to be
unforgiving, and one of the greatest sins is rushing to take revenge. [Ibid]
He
also said: The worst of the people are those who do not forgive and do not cover
up other people's mistakes. [Ibid]
Imam
Sadiq (Pbuh) said: One must forgive without blaming, penalizing, and force.
[Ibid]
Based
upon the traditions and the verses of the Holy Quran, forgiving is loved by God;
the reward of one who forgives is considered to be one of the nobility of this
world and the Hereafter, and is a means of freedom from the Fire of Hell, and is
a means of being similar to the members of the Household of the Prophet.
Not forgiving someone is a sign of illness, a spiritual defect and a sign of our
soul's wickedness.
Why
shouldn't a couple forgive each other's mistakes? Why shouldn't they be loved by
God and benefit from divine rewards? Why shouldn't they be considered a source
of nobility in this world and the Hereafter? Why shouldn't they be similar to
the Immaculate Imams? All these are by-products of a spiritual and divine deal.
It is not wise to lose this deal, and it is very easy to be gained. If a couple
try this method for a few times, then they will soon become adorned with this
divine characteristic after a short time of practicing forgiving.
Feigning
Feigning
is one of the very good attributes few people have. Seeing someone's mistakes
and acting as if you didn't, so that the one who made the mistake really
( 117 )
believes you didn't notice his/her error is one of the best spiritual
attributes. Feigning in regards to your wife's errors is a very noble act which
must be continued into the future. The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said:
Half of a wise person's existence is patience and perseverance, and the other
half is feigning. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.268]
He
also said: A noble man's most honorable attribute is feigning. [Ibid]
He
also said: There is no measure better than pretending not to notice, and no
patience is better than feigning. [Ibid]
As
the Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) has said, being extremely picky and
expecting total innocence and blaming others for mistakes is a cause of ruining
our life. [Ibid]
It
is necessary for a couple to forgive and feign and with such good attributes,
life goes on with pleasure, the nerves are calm and the body is safe and immune
from many diseases. Forgiving and feigning are the sweet by-products of
controlling one's anger. Stubbornness, anger and quarreling are despised by God
and are signs of flames of the Fire of Hell, a bad character, and a cause of the
disruption of life. This may end up in divorce or separation, or delving into
sin or corruption. There are many traditions regarding the harm of stubbornness
and quarreling. A man addresses Imam Husayn (Pbuh), the Master of the Martyrs in
a distasteful manner: Let's sit down and argue about religion. The Imam said: O'
man, know that I am aware of my religion, and God's guidance is as clear as
daylight for me. However if you have any problems in this regard you had better
go and do something about your ignorance. What do I have to do with quarreling,
as this is just a result of Satan's temptation to trap man in sin. [Bihar al-Anwar,
v.2, p.135]
If
verbal arguments are designed to prove the existence of God, they are considered
to be good, and they will cause progress in science and discovery of the truth
and God. However, if they are due to stubbornness and for defeating the other
side, or for disrupting peace, then they are undoubtedly forbidden and one who
argues is rebellious and deserves punishment.
Imam
Reza (Pbuh) told Abdul Azim Hassany: Send my greetings to my friends, and tell
them not to let Satan penetrate their hearts in any way, and advise them to be
honest, truthful and quiet, and avoid quarreling over what has no profit for
them. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.74, p.230]
Anger
The
Quranic verses and Islamic traditions have advised all to avoid anger and
consider it destructive; a sign of light-headedness; a cause of destruction;
fire from Satan and consider it to be a form of insanity: They consider it to be
the source of all evils. The Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) has expressed
these concepts in his wise words: Anger is an evil which when let free to take
over will destroy you. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.231]
( 118 )
He
also said: Anger is the vehicle of the light-headed ones. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7,
pp.230-231]
And
also: Anger will raise the flames of hidden hatred. [Ibid]
Imam
Sadiq (Pbuh) said: Anger is the key to all losses. [Ibid]
That's
right. An angry person will make many mistakes and attack the honor of the other
party. It will put pressure on his heart and nerves, his face will get red and
he will hit, destroy, divorce, harm, cause damages and so on. The Prophet (Pbuh)
said: Anger is fire from Satan. [Ibid]
Hazrat
Ali (Pbuh) said: Anger is a form of insanity. One who gets angry will then
become sorry. If he does not, his insanity is serious. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7,
pp.232-233]
He
also said: Anger will spoil the brain and terribly distract man from the truth
and righteousness. [Ibid]
He
also seriously condemned this Satanic state and said: One who does not control
his anger is not one of us. [Ibid]
And
he also said: One who is totally driven by anger and lust is an animal. [Ibid]
Regarding
control of one's anger, Imam Baqir (Pbuh) has said: In the Hereafter, God will
fill the heart of one who has the power to let out his anger but controls it
with peace and faith in the Hereafter. Ali (Pbuh) said: God will cover up the
faults of those who control their anger. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.236]
Imam
Ali (Pbuh) wrote to his loyal friend Hareth Hamedany: Control your anger,
forgive when in power, be patient when angry, cover up the faults of those who
make mistakes, even though you have power. Then you may prosper. [Mizan al-Hikmat,
v.7, p.236]
In
the books Usul al-Kafi, Vasa'il al-Shiia, and Bihar al-Anwar, we read in many
traditions that controlling one's anger towards everyone will be rewarded with
immunity from God's anger and receiving His Mercy in the Hereafter. Jesus (Pbuh)
was asked about the cause of anger. He said: There are three roots and reasons
for anger: Haughtiness, selfishness and belittling the people. The Prophet (Pbuh)
has recommended the Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh): Do not get angry. Sit down
when you get angry, and think about God's power and rule over His servants and
God's patience. If while you are angry you are told of fear ing God, then you
can control your anger and return to your normal state of patience.
Arrogance
Arrogance
is one of the bad traits, and is considered to be a sin in Islam. One who has
this satanic attribute deserves God's punishment unless he/she repents and
returns to humbleness and politeness. A couple have religious and moral
( 119 )
responsibilities towards each other and have seen and accepted each other before
getting married, knowing about each other's family, wealth and beauty and have
lived together. When they have a problem they should not use their family,
wealth, beauty, knowledge and age to bother the other party. They should avoid
arrogance since it will hurt and at times may cause hatred and animosity or
reaction. It may even lead to quarrels or divorce, in which case the
responsibility is on the shoulders of the arrogant one.
The
Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: There is no foolishness greater than
arrogance. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.7, p.414]
He
also said in these wise words: Discard arrogance and haughtiness and remember
your tomb. [Ibid]
Arrogance
is so bad that in his nineteenth book, Imam Sajjad (Pbuh) has said to God:
Please guard me against arrogance. Ali (Pbuh) said: How can Adam's offspring be
arrogant? Their starting point is a sperm, and their end is a badly-smelling
corpse. Their daily bread is in the hands of someone else, and they have no
power to escape death. [Bihar al-Anwar, v.73, p.294]
God's
book has mentioned the fact that God does not like the arrogant and haughty
people in several verses.
For
God loveth not any arrogant boaster. [Holy Quran: Luqman 31:18]
Anyway,
a couple should avoid arrogance in regards to their family, beauty, wealth,
savings or knowledge and should realize that all these may vanish some day. This
satanic trait is only a source of trouble, hurt, loss of love, cause of fights,
and losing one's respect in God's sight.
Behavior
A
couple's behavior towards each other must be accompanied by politeness,
nobility, friendship, cooperation, love and humbleness. Their acts should be
based on mutual respect and honor. A man should realize that a woman is a
delicate creature with love, affection, and modesty. All these traits must be
considered when dealing with a woman. A woman must realize that a man is a
strong and robust creature having stronger physical and mental states and know
that the stability of life is reliant upon him.
Men
are the protectors and maintainers of women, because God has given the one more
(strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. [Holy
Quran: Nisaa 4:34]
It
is for this reason that noble wives respect their husbands, and gentlemen treat
their wives with honor. A peaceful mutual life is only possible through mutual
consideration of the above facts. We must try to be a practical model of good
acts and proper deeds in the way we treat each other, so that we not only pass
the days of our lives, but also gain the reward of the Hereafter and please one
another with our deeds.
( 120 )
Talking
A
couple should talk to each other in a tone which is filled with love, affection
and passion, and their words must be filled with manifestations of
understanding, wisdom, conscience and justness. When we speak we must follow the
verses of the Quran regarding speaking, that is speaking justly; speaking fair;
speaking mildly; speaking kindly; and calling men to God.
Whenever
ye speak, speak justly, even if a near relative is concerned... [Holy Quran:
An'am: 152]
Speak
fair to the people... [Holy Quran: Baqara 2:83]
But
speak to him mildly; perchance he may take warning or fear (God)... [Holy Quran:
Taha 20:44]
Yet
speak to them a word of easy kindness... [Holy Quran: Bani-Israel 17:28]
Who
is better in speech than one who calls (men) to God... [Holy Quran: Fussilat
41:33]
When
what is said is Godly, when the judgment that is made is right, when what is
said is simple and softly spoken, it will bless your life with love, happiness,
warmth and stability. When what is said is right and it is said kindly and
passionately, then it will be rewarded by being heard and realized. The Prophet
(Pbuh) said: If it were not for your talking too much, and if your heart was not
the place for Satan, you would see what I see and hear what I hear!
Kanzulemal
It
is better to avoid talking too much or saying what is not good for either this
world or the Hereafter. The Prophet (Pbuh) said: One of the good things in Islam
for man is to avoid vain talk. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.8, pp.434-440]
The
Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) once passed by a man who talked too much. He
told him: "You are filling your record of deeds with extra talk. This
record will be presented to your Lord, so you better say useful things and avoid
vain talk". Abuzar said: You can summarize the world in two words, one in
search of what is lawful in all respects, and the other in search of the
Hereafter. All else is useless and harmful, and you better not engage in it.
[Ibid]
The
Prophet (Pbuh) said: All that the son of Adam says is to his loss, not to his
benefit; except his advice to do good deeds, and remember God and his warning
against doing evil deeds. [Ibid]
The
Commander of the Faithful (Pbuh) said: One who talks too much shall make many
mistakes. One who makes many mistakes will be less modest. One with less modesty
shall be less pious. Such a person's heart shall die and he will enter Hell.
[Ibid]
( 121 )
A
couple should talk to each other about the affairs of the house, their needs and
those of their children, express their love and affection for each other, advise
each other to do right and to persevere, safeguard each others' secrets, and not
talk about their personal affairs with their family or friends. And they should
establish their home as a center of God's words, prayer, the Quran, no lying,
gossiping, swearing or belittling, since as it can be understood from the verses
of the Quran and the traditions, such bad deeds will deprive us of God’s Mercy
and may even bring His punishment. A man should avoid bringing sinful folks
home, or giving sinful parties since this will bring harm to him and his
household, and will cause him to lose out on the Hereafter. A wife should avoid
wastefulness which is sometimes the sour result of keeping up with the Joneses,
since she will be accountable for each penny wasted in the Hereafter. A man and
his wife should try to practically foster nobility, politeness, and spiritual
health in their children and those around them with their manners, words and
deeds, since the reward of guiding even one person is equal to that of guiding
all the people.