chapter 7
CHAPTER 7
Obstacles to Marriage
God intends every facility for you ; He does not want to put
you to
difficulties. [Holy Quran: Baqara 2:185]
Strictness
in Marriage
Young men and
women's need to marry is natural and intrinsic. It seems hard for them to resist
sexual instincts for a very long time. Delaying marriage has at times led to
corruption and sin. Preventing marriage has at times made young men and women
ill. The need to marry and obstacles to marriage have at times led to a love
affair which not only causes corruption, but may also leads to suicide attempts.
When they reach the age of marriage and suggest they want to get married, some
parents call them kids. They consider the need to get married as being rude.
They attack their children and belittle them. Such a confrontation may lead
children with a weak belief to deviation. Some parents propose such strict
conditions for marriage which are either too hard or impossible for the parents
of the other party to fulfill. Such insistence delays the marriage and the young
human flowers will wither.
Sometimes when a
young man goes to propose marriage, he encounters the sour faces of the girl’s
family and gives up. The girl will then remain in her father's home with her
feelings hurt, and she might get too old to marry. This may also happen with the
boy's family.
At times, young
men or women have limitations placed on their decision-making due to paternal or
maternal domination. They do not marry and thus are hurt. There are also
occasions when the young man or woman place such strict restrictions on marriage
which prevent it. Such strictness is considered unjust, immoral, inhumane,
ungodly and illegitimate in Islam. Those who are too strict are admonished about
the consequences of their actions in this world and in the Hereafter. It is said
that God the Benevolent is lenient with lenient people, and is strict with
strict ones.
Being strict in
marriage is similar to opposing the sexual urges and the natural human instincts
of young men and women. God will be strict with those who are
( 68 )
too strict and will deprive them of His Mercy and Favor. Himad, the son of
Uthman said:
A man complained
of someone to Imam Sadiq (Pbuh). A short time later another man arrived. When
the first was asked the reason why he had complained he said, "This owes me
money and I want to get my money back to the last penny." Imam Sadiq became
angry, turned around and said to the creditor: "Have you not read God's
statement in the Holy Quran":
Fear the terrible
reckoning; [Holy Quran: Ra'd 13:21]
Do you think that
this "terrible reckoning" refers to God's oppression of man. No,
verily by God: "They fear not but the deep investigation." Know that:
"One who is so strict in investigating is committing evil." O'
parents, young men and women, beware of strictness - especially in marriage .
Avoid this inhumane act. Take it easy and provide the means for the marriage of
your daughters and sons. This will prevent the spread of corruption and sin.
Use Your Own Case to Judge for Others
The
parents should remember that they themselves were once young and were very eager
to get married. They wished their parents would provide the means for their
marriage. They hoped their parents would let them marry in an environment full
of love and kindness without imposing hard conditions. If they observed that
their parents raised issues or set up obstacles that might delay this divine
cause, they would get upset with their parents and would even hate them.
Now that they are
in the past position of their parents and want to marry off their sons or
daughters, they should put themselves in their child's shoes. They should
consider their hopes and aspirations, the pressure of their carnal desires and
their strong will to establish a new life. This could lead to leniency and can
simplify the marriage of their offspring.
The Commander of
the Faithful Ali (Pbuh) has pointed this out in an important tradition:
To better
understand the facts of life and human issues, use your own case to judge for
others. Prefer for others what you prefer for yourself. Dislike for others what
you dislike for yourself. Just as you do not like anyone to oppress you, do not
oppress others. Just as you like to be treated well, treat others well. Consider
bad for others what you consider bad for yourself. Be happy with people in cases
in which you expect them to be happy with you.
Imam Hassan
Mujtaba (Pbuh) said:
Live with people
the way you like them to live with you." [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.6, p.316]
This is what Islam
duly expects of all. This is the beneficial decree of the religion. This is the
way that makes it easy to live with others, and prevents sins
( 69 )
from corrupting our lives. It fills life with love and loyalty, health and
friendship, and simplicity and sweet affection.
Parents should
remember what they preferred when they were young themselves. They wished to
marry with someone from a family of an equal rank. They wished that both
families would avoid undergoing excessive, unbearable expenses. So they should
prefer the same things for their children. By putting aside undue expectations
and avoiding heavy expenses, they should provide the means for the marriage of
their children.
God grants a great
reward to those who provide the means for marriage. Parents should be the first
ones to provide the means for the marriage of their children, and follow it all
the way through with love, nobility and kindness.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said:
Whoever strives to
provide the means for the marriage of believing men and women to the point that
God will join them in marriage, will receive a thousand companions with big,
beautiful and lustrous eyes in Heaven as a reward. His reward is equal to one
year of worship for each step taken or word uttered. [Marriage in Islam, p.18]
How can parents
who are too strict about the marriage of their children deprive themselves of
such a great reward from God, while they could easily provide the means for the
marriage? How can they respond to their children in God's Just Court on the Day
of Judgment if the children become corrupted, suffer from physical or mental
shock or get psychologically distressed?
Imam Musa, the son
of Jafa (Pbuh), requested his noble aunt by mail to send some property put aside
for contributing to the nuptial gift of the spouse of Muhammad, the son of Jafar.
She immediately did so as soon as she received the letter. The letter stated:
There exists in
the Hereafter a divine shelter. Only the Prophet, the guardian appointed by his
will, those who free a slave or provide for the payment of a believer's debt, or
marry off a believing unmarried man can benefit from this shelter. [Marriage in
Islam, p.18-19]
The Commander of
the Faithful Ali (Pbuh) stated:
The greatest sin
is stealing a Muslim's property, and the best form of intervention is
intervening in marriage. [Ibid]
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh)
said:
Whoever marries
off an unmarried man, will be amongst those who will receive God's Favor and
Mercy in the Hereafter. [Ibid, pp.20-21]
He also said:
God will favorably
look at four groups of people in the Hereafter: salesmen who accept returned
goods; those who relieve one's sorrow; those who free a slave; and those who
marry off an unmarried man. [Ibid, pp.20-21]
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said:
( 70 )
Whoever breaks up
an arranged marriage or a couple will be damned by God in this world and in the
Hereafter, and God has decreed that he be stoned with a thousand fiery rocks.
Whoever tries to break up a couple but fails to do so, will be damned by God in
this world and in the Hereafter and will be forbidden to see God's Mercy. [Ibid,
pp.20-21]
I wish all parents
were aware of these concepts and could benefit from great divine rewards by
following these facts. I also wish that those who are aware of these concepts,
but are too haughty to follow them would stop it and avoid God's eternal
damnation, anger and torture.
Haughtiness is a Satanic Attribute
Today
we suffer from early maturity. This is due to the cultural invasion of the minds
and spirits of our youth by the voices and images of the atheist global media.
Pornography is an international catastrophe causing sexual arousal. Therefore,
it is both religiously ordained and morally expected of the Islamic government
and people, the rich, the relatives and the parents to do all they can to ease
the marriage of the youth. They should eliminate the wrong customs and
traditions, discard western traditions, and forget imposing strict conditions so
that the young men and women's beliefs, principles of belief and human behavior
remain partially intact. Thus, they may be saved from falling into sin.
Do not be too
haughty. Let the divine decrees, the orders of the Noble Prophet Muhammad and
the Immaculate Imams be put into practice. It has unfortunately been observed
that some parents make such gestures during marriage proposal meetings that one
might think they are powerful beings.
They think that
their child is a prince or princess and their marriage ceremonies should be
conducted like those at the time of Pharaoh. They make such lavish proposals
that the other family is astonished and is forced to forget about the marriage.
Then the children are forced to find illegitimate friends and commit various
sexual sins to satisfy their instincts. The Holy Quran has considered
haughtiness as one of Satan's attributes:
.... and they
bowed down not so Satan: he refused and was haughty: he was of those who reject
faith. [Holy Quran: Baqara 2:34]
(God) said:
Get thee down from
this: it is not for thee to be arrogant here: get out, for thou art of the
meanest (of creatures)." [Holy Quran: A'raf 7:13]
Ali (Pbuh) said:
You should not be
haughty with people and God regarding daily matters, since verily haughtiness is
one of the greatest sins and worst defects, and it is the facade, appearance and
attribute of Satan. [Mizan al-Hikmat, v.8, p.298]
He also said:
( 71 )
Avoid haughtiness
since this attribute is the start of rebellion and transgression against God. [Mizan
al-Hikmat, v.8, pp.300-302]
That noble man
also said:
Haughtiness is the
worst disposition. [Ibid]
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said:
Avoid haughtiness
since verily man continues to live in haughtiness, so much so that God the
Almighty and Glorious says:
O' you who record
the deeds, record the name of my servant as one of the worst oppressors. [Ibid]
He also said to
Abuzar:
O' Abuzar, whoever
dies with the slightest bit of haughtiness in his heart will not smell the sweet
scent of Heaven, unless he repents before he dies and gives up haughtiness.
[Ibid]
How come a
creature formed from sperm and powerless in the face of disasters is haughty
with people and God? How come he considers himself to be superior to others
while nothing in this world works according to his will?
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh)
narrated his ancestors as having said a fight started between Salman. The man
rudely asked: “who are you to confront me?” Salman answered: "I am the
first, and you were at first an unclean sperm. I am the last, and at last you
will be a stinking corpse in the grave. When the Hereafter comes and the balance
is set up, then whoever has done more good will be nobler, and whoever has done
little will be inferior." [Bihar al-Anwar, v.73, p.231]
Allameh Majlesi
has proposed the following treatment and remedy for this dangerous disease:
There are two ways
to treat haughtiness and attain modesty, one being scientific and the other
practical. The scientific approach is to get to know oneself and one's Creator.
This cognizance is enough to purify one's inner being from haughtiness. The
reason for this is that with this real knowledge of one's self and one's
existence, one will realize that he is inferior to anything else and he has no
right but to be humble and down to earth. Once he gets to know God through the
signs of the universe and the soul, and delving into the verses of the Holy
Quran, then he would realize that no one but God deserves Sovereignty, Grandeur
and Haughtiness. The practical approach to cure haughtiness is to be humble
before God and people in all actions, deeds and behavior; to observe the
morality of the humble people and use the pious ones as his model. He should
note that the Prophet (Pbuh), who is the best of all people used to sit down on
the ground to eat food and said a servant eats food like other servants.[Bihar
al-Anwar, v.73, pp.201-205]
Therefore you
should be humble before your son or daughter regarding marriage. This means that
you should consider your child who is at the peak of his/her natural instincts,
hopes and aspirations and not consider your own
( 72 )
customs, traditions, and conditions. You should be lenient in your conditions,
and minimize your expectations from the other family. Thus a happy, blessed and
secure marriage will take place and the couple can conveniently live together.
An Amazing Story about Leniency in Marriage
The
late Mulla Muhammad Taqi Majlesi, who was a wise jurisprudent and an outstanding
scholar, had three learned sons and four noble daughters. His first daughter was
named Amineh Beigom. Her marriage to the commentator of the twelve-volume book
Usul-al-Kafi, Mulla Salih Mazandarani, was a divine, amazing and pleasant one.
Mulla Salih
Mazandarani who is a renowned Shiite scholar had an adventurous life, which is
briefly described here. His father, Mulla Ahmad, was so poor that he could not
provide for his son's living expenses.
Muhammad, who was
then a young adult, went to Isfahan to study in one of the schools there. The
school had an endowed property. The income was used to pay some money to each
student based on his rank. Muhammad who had just started studying received very
little which was insufficient for his daily needs. He suffered so much that he
had to study at night under the light of one of the school's lamps.
However, he was so
studious that he overcame all deprivations and difficulties and attained a high
scholarly status. He managed to attend Mulla Muhammad Taqi Allameh Majlesi's
class. A short time later he surpassed all other students and received his wise
professor's especial attention.
The author of
Mirat al-Ahwal wrote: Mulla Salih who was then a young scholar was considering
choosing a spouse to marry. Allameh Majlesi became informed of that and one day
after his class asked Salih if he would permit him to find him a spouse. He
lowered his head and after a moment said yes. Allameh Majlesi got up and went
home. He called his learned daughter Amineh Beigom, who had mastered all the
sciences perfectly. He said to her: My dear daughter. I have found you a spouse
who is extremely poor, but absolutely wise, pious and mature. But it is up to
you to decide. The holy noble learned daughter shyly said: "Dear father,
being poor is not a defect for men." Thus she expressed her approval of
this marriage. At a felicitous hour they held the marriage ceremony and prepared
the bride for the groom.
On the wedding
night, the groom unveiled her face and found her very beautiful. He went to a
corner and started praising God and studying. He ran into a difficult academic
issue which he was unable to resolve. Amineh Beigom realized the problem. When
he left home the next day, she wrote the answer in full detail and put it in its
place. When the man came home that night and saw that his unresolved issue was
solved by that knowledgeable woman, he thanked God by placing his forehead on
the ground, and prayed all night long. Thus three days passed. When Allameh
Majlesi was informed, he told him: "If this wife is
( 73 )
not suitable for you, let me know. I will get you another one." Mullah
Salih replied: "No, that is not the issue. I keep away from her because no
matter how much I praise God for this blessing that He has bestowed on me, I
cannot be grateful enough." When Allameh Majlesi heard his answer, he said:
"Confessing that one cannot be grateful enough to God is itself the utmost
form of being grateful to Him." [Ayatollah Boroojerdy's Biography, Davani,
p.79]
Note that first
Majlesi kindly provided the means for his daughter's higher education so she
could attain a high scientific status. He brought her up with purity, chastity,
morality, humbleness and contentment. He chose the easiest way for her marriage,
and married her off to one matching her in faith, morality and responsibility.
He did not force her to accept Mulla Salih as a husband. He was not haughty,
therefore he let her decide whether or not to marry him. When three days passed
and the marriage had not been consummated, since Mulla Salih was praising God,
he thought the man did not want his daughter. He was so humble that he proposed
to get him a different wife if she was not good enough for him.
This is the
morality of God's saints, lovers of truth, righteous men, chaste and faithful
women, and pure families. These marriages are filled with divine blessing and
God's Mercy and Favor. Mulla Salih and that knowledgeable lady had six sons who
became scientists, jurisprudents, learned and eloquent, and two learned
daughters. One of their daughters married the great Abu-al Ma'Ali and is the
mother of Mir AbuTalib, both of whom are renowned scholars. Mir AbuTalib's
son-in-law was Sayyid Muhammad Boroojerdy who is the fifth ancestor of the great
Ayatullah Boroojerdy. The great Ayatullah Boroojerdy is also a maternal
descendant of Majlesi. This is how they are related to the Majlesi family. Their
second daughter married Sayyid Abdulkarim Tabatabaee, the sixth grandfather of
Ayatullah Boroojerdy. She is the mother of Sayyid Muhammad Tabatabaee.
The Immaculate
Imams (Pbuh) have been narrated as saying: God has taught his Prophets whatever
man needs to know. One day the Prophet (Pbuh) climbed the mosque pulpit and
after praising God he said to the people that the angel entrusted with
revelations descended to me from the All-knowledgeable and said: "Young
girls are like fruits which must be picked off the branch as soon as they ripen,
or else they will be decayed by sun-shine and wind. When they reach adolescence,
the outburst of their instincts cannot be cured except by marriage, or else they
may be corrupted as they are humans, too." [Mustadrak al-Vasa'il,
Introductory Chapters on Marriage, Ch.23.]
Parents should
provide the means to marry off their daughters as soon as they develop enough to
have a husband and carry out a joint life with a suitable man. This way they
abide by God's decree and attain an infinitely great reward.
( 74 )
Perils of Keeping up With the Joneses
Keeping
up with the Joneses is a bad behavior observed in some people. By considering
the much higher financial status of either their neighbors or friends, they try
desperately to attain a similar status. The unmarried girl who looks at the
financial status of other girls in the family or among friends, wishes that her
future husband, and her wedding ceremony be exactly similar to theirs. Thus she
insists on rejecting the marriage proposals of those who are not that well-off.
She puts off the marriage so long that she feels obliged either to marry an old
man or a widower. She might even prefer to adopt a celibate lifestyle. Even if
she gets married when she is no longer an enthusiastic young woman, she is
neither a patient wife nor a good mother to raise her children. Therefore
keeping up with the Joneses is an obstacle to marriage, and an evil form of
conduct.
In the verse 88 of
Hijr and the verse 131 of Taha, the Holy Quran has prohibited gazing at the
wealth of the rich and their life. Traditions from the holy Imams clearly state
that those who are continually after the wealth of others, and hope to obtain
it, are filled with envy and sorrow. One should have pure intentions for
marriage, and should do it for God's sake. His/her goal should be to implement
the Prophet's tradition, to have righteous children and to live under the shade
of God's Mercy and Favor. Once marriage is based on these factors, it will be
firmly established. God's blessings will then be manifested in such a marriage
and spiritual gains will result.
Once the
provisions for marriage are made, the relatives should help it take place and
not improperly interfere in this divine affair. They should not ingratiate
themselves, attempt to disunite, make unjust judgments or impede the marriage.
Expensive Nuptial Gift
The
nuptial gift is an important, delicate and noteworthy issue in Islam. It is
extremely undesirable to expect expensive nuptial gifts. Any property or action
of some value can be considered as a nuptial gift. For example, a store, a
garden, some land or building, cash or even teaching can be considered as
nuptial gift.
Besides the verses
of the Holy Quran, there are many credible traditions from the Prophet (Pbuh) or
the Immaculate Imams which prohibit expensive nuptial gifts since they prevent
young men from marrying and this will leave many young girls unmarried.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said:
The noblest woman
in my nation is one with the most beauty and the least nuptial gift. [Bihar al-Anwar,
v.103, p.347]
The Commander of
the Faithful (Pbuh) said:
Do not set up
expensive nuptial gifts since this will cause enmity. [Ibid]
( 75 )
Verily when a
young fellow goes to propose marriage and faces unbearably high nuptial gift
requirements, he gets disappointed and fails to marry, then he will despise the
girl and her family. Such disappointment may lead him to corruption, his life
will be wasted and his youth and enthusiasm will be irreversibly harmed.
Imam Sadiq (Pbuh)
said:
A woman's blessing
is spending little and easy delivery, and her misfortune is heavy expenses and
hard delivery. [Marriage in Islam p.95]
The Prophet (Pbuh)
said:
Do not establish
expensive nuptial gifts, since money and wealth do not bring affection. It is
God who establishes love. [Mojazat Nabovieh, p.182]
The Prophet (Pbuh)
told a woman named Haola:
O' Haola, I swear
by the same God who appointed me to Prophethood, that no woman who forces an
expensive nuptial gift on her husband shall be saved from fiery chains that God
shall place round her neck. [Marraige in Islam, pp.96-97]
An expensive
nuptial gift requirement will force the youth to escape marriage and become
involved in sin and corruption. Those who require it are partly responsible for
such deviations and deserve God's punishment."
The Quran as a Nuptial Gift
Imam
Baqir (Pbuh) said: "A woman came to the Prophet (Pbuh) and asked him to
find her a husband. The Prophet (Pbuh) asked who is ready to accept her as his
wife? A man got up and said; "I am ready." The Prophet (Pbuh) asked
what would you give her as her nuptial gift? The man said: "I don't have
anything." The Prophet said it is not possible to marry her without a
nuptial gift, and repeated his proposal. However no one but the same man
answered. The third time around he asked if the man knew any verses from the
Quran. He replied in the positive. The Prophet (Pbuh) said he would marry him
and this woman and the man must teach her whatever amount of the Quran that he
knew."
Imam Reza (Pbuh)
said:
Whenever a
believer proposes to marry a girl from the family of his believing brethren and
suggests to pay five hundred Durhams as the nuptial gift, and his offer is
turned down for the reason that the amount is too low, then this is an
oppression. It is then appropriate for God to deprive him of seeing the
companions of Heaven with lustrous eyes.
It has been said
that Um Saleem who was one of the noble women in the early days of Islam
required the man who had come to propose marriage to her to become Muslim as her
nuptial gift. She was the same woman who consoled her husband when their child
died and did not let him become impatient. In reward
( 76 )
for her patience, God granted her another child who became one of the friends of
Imam Ali, the Master of the Monotheists.
A noble girl
should note that if a well-matched suitor proposes marriage to her, and the
family is too strict especially in regards to the nuptial gift, then she should
politely and humbly discuss the issue: By telling them the known just truth,
they should not be so strict. Low expectations are among the principles of
morality of the Prophets and the Imams, and it is an outstanding attribute.
The Prophet (Pbuh)
established a model for all our nation when he designated a small nuptial gift
for his noble daughter, who is the Lady of all Women. How awful is it for
families not to follow their dear Prophet's example in regards to their own
affairs, especially in marriage.